I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
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