i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you didnt know i had herpes?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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