I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
