doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
