Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
