I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
