I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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