Your face is a jimmy john
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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