could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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