Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
