i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
