so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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