The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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