Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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