i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
