sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
