You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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