I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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