We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
