I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
