Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
