We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I think I have vodka in my lungs
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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