Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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