Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
