I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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