the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
