my vag is so smooth its legendary
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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