How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
