Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
