Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
