I think my fart just growled at me.
the condom got lost in my hair
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
