the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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