The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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