So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
