my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
