1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
