Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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