bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
