Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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