I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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