i'm signing you up for texting rehab
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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