she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
