I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
