Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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