I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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