I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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