I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
