she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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