my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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