i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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