remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
