I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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