just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
