My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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